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my wife texted me good night.
i’m really tempted to text J right now.
maybe i should stop drinking…
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i miss them both but i will not contact either one.
if i mention contacting J, please talk me out of it
if i mention texting my wife, please distract me
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this weekend is going to be hard. i have all these plans to distract myself and stay busy; but in the back of my mind i know they won’t work. i miss her when she’s gone. it doesn’t matter where she goes, who she’s with or long she’s gone; i miss her. when she’s gone i feel like a piece of me is missing.
i’ve been really insecure the past couple of days. i don’t know why. i thought i was past this finally. i hate feeling insecure and jealous. when i feel that way i question everything and it drives me nuts. it doesn’t help that i feel cut off and alone from the other people in my life. i feel like no one really wants to see me so i don’t make a full effort to contact them. my friend cassie came over last week and it was great to see her. it helped to have someone to hang out with. but i also want more than just a friend. i want the closeness of being WITH someone. i enjoyed having a gf. it was fun and really nice and a great experience while it lasted.
it makes me miss J. if things had worked out we had this weekend planned (at least tonight and part of tomorrow). it’s had to explain to her why we got so close and fast. we just clicked and it felt right and comfortable. it was a great feeling and one that i’ve rarely had with someone before.
well now that i’ve gone all mopey and whiny i think it’s time to end this post… i can make it through this weekend and i will.
things are getting better and easier. my wife and i are talking more and spending more time together. we’re reconnecting and strengthening our marriage. she’s been explaining some of the aspects of her relationship with her bf that had me hurt the most so now i’m adjusting better to the situation. i’m not going to lie, it does still hurt and make me uncomfortable. it’s hard to adjust to the thought and knowledge that another man is holding her and making her happy.
i’m lonely a lot lately. i have my family, but there’s not much the kids can do and my wife has another relationship to be a part of. i miss having someone to hangout with and spend time with. i got used to having T and J around. i mean i was seeing J almost every day. i know need to be alone. i need to adjust and fix things and take care of myself before i can think of dating someone else.
i don’t think of J as much. usually when my wife is with the bf i’ll think of her. or if i hear a certain song. but it’s getting less and less.
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so my wife is off for her day trip with the bf. it’s going to be a long time until i see her. i hate feeling like this. so open and vulnerable. we’ve been spending the past couple of days reconnecting and getting closer and i’ve been loving the time with her. it’s the most i’ve spent with her in a month.
we had a talk last night about why i want to try being poly (she’s been poly for 9 years but only in the past has she started actually dating and most of that in the past 3). i always told her that i only wanted her and it’s a big change for her that now i want to try this. she thinks i just want a friend, and i do. but i also want so much more. i want the bond and the closeness, the intimacy that a couple shares.
i’m feeling lonely and down right now. i have no one to talk to or hang out with. no one seems to care. the only thing keeping me from smoking right now is that i don’t have any smokes. i don’t like feeling this way…so cut off and alone
and today is the day J leaves. and i never got to say goodbye
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it’s getting easier. i’m not going to lie. i still miss her. i miss talking to her and the random texts. i miss her voice and her kisses. i miss my friend.
but i don’t miss the confusion. or the heartache or the secrets. i don’t miss the changing feelings or never knowing exactly where i stand. i don’t miss being told one thing and then everyone else being told the opposite.
my wife has been a great help in this. we’ve been reconnecting and talking and just simply being together. it’s great to actually be able to spend time with her and be a couple. our love and bond is being made stronger and we’re getting through this. i feel so blessed to have her in my life.
i may have lost my friend, but i still have my best friend. and that’s what matters the most
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